What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 01:18
I could never make a relationship work though!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
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I think the readers, may guess!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
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Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Comes on , in middle age.
I was very sick at this time too.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I will be 64.
Is there an MBTI personality that is more or less likely to handle stress?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Which is the worst Bollywood movie you have ever seen and why?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
When Chinese people see my pets, will they think of it as their food?
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Was to survive, this bastard.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
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The only rule us 5 kids had .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Who then, do I blame.?
I write beautiful poetry .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
(And it was in our own minds.)
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But it wasn’t much.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
So, i spoilt her more .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I don,t even have a pension.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Put me off passion for life!!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
She was in good health!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
My family never makes their pension either.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Would this be the day?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He resisted the act ,that day.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I never cut or harmed myself..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
What did i know ?
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She found it foreign!.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Im still living with it.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
One cannot live in the past .
Ive learnt so much.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She loved him until the end.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
And i lived it daily.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I was 9 years of age.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She wouldn,t have been !
And who doesn’t know suffering?
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I have no regrets .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But, we were locked up after school.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He was dying to do it , i knew.
So whats the point in blame.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He knew the spot.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
We all went to grammer schools
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
All the time i was locked up.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
We were not on the streets..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I was seconnd youngest,
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
She married twice! .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
It was going to be , some day.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I was scared of men, in general
When she asked me how she looked .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I said to her
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
This is soul school!.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
As i do to all so called friends.?
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
My life is so biszare .
I waited trembling.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life